Two stock brokers, Jon and James, head out for their usual 18 holes of golf. Jon offers James a $50 bet. James agrees and they're off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, James is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. "Help me find my ball. Look over there," he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, James secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. "I've found my ball!" he announces. "After all of the years we've been partners and playing together," Jon says, "you'd cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?" "What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!" "And you're a liar, too!" Jon says. "I'll have you know I've been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!"

 Version 1:
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?

"My God! It burnt out!! Sell all my G.E. stock NOW!!!"

Version 2:
How many stockbrokers does it take to change a light bulb?

Two all up. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).

A man calls his stockbroker all anxious and out of breath with this urgency in his voice. He says, "Sell it all, sell everything fast, right away."

 The stockbroker tries to explain that the market is cyclical in nature and that for long term outlook stocks still remain the place to be.

The man says, "Let me tell you a secret. You know I've been married for 6 years now and I've been your client for 5 years."

"Yes, go on," the stockbroker says.

"Well. My wife has this thing about the market. Her grandparents lost it all in the great crash and ever since then her family found investing in the market akin to original sin. When we got married I promised her that I would follow in her parents footsteps and never venture in the stock market and always leave all our money under the mattress."

"Wow, I didn't know that. I guess you want the money because the market is going down, in case she asks for it."

"No, I want the money because she ordered a new mattress and it is being delivered in two days."

Bear Market - A 6 to 18-month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets none.

Momentum Investing - The fine art of buying high and selling low.

Value Investing - The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E ratio - The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Broker - Poorer than you were last year.

"Buy, Buy" - A flight attendant making market recommendations as you step off the plane.

Stock Analyst - Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

Stock split - When your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.

Financial Planner - A guy who actually remembers his wallet when he runs to the 7-11 for toilet paper and cigarettes.

Market Correction - The day after you buy stocks.

Cash Flow - The movement your money makes as it disappears down the Toilet.

Call Option - Something people used to do with a telephone in ancient times before e-mail.

Day Trader - Someone who is disloyal from 9-5.

Cisco - Sidekick of Pancho.

Yahoo - What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.

Windows 2000 - What you jump out of when you're the sucker that bought Yahoo for $240 per share.

Institutional Investor - Past year investor who's now locked up in a nut house.

Profit - Religious guy who talks to God.

Bill Gates - Where God goes for a loan.

Alan Greenspan - God.

At a country-club party a young stockbroker was introduced to an attractive girl. Immediately he began paying her court and flattering her outrageously. The girl liked the young man, but she was taken a bit aback by his fast and ardent pitch. She was amazed when after 30 minutes he seriously proposed marriage.

"Look," she said. "We only met a half hour ago. How can you be so sure? We know nothing about each other."

"You're wrong," the young stockbroker declared. "For the past 5 years I've been working in the brokerage firm where your father has his account."

A very successful stockbroker parked his brand-new Mercedes in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The stockbroker immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the stockbroker started screaming hysterically. His Mercedes, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined. When the stockbroker finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you stock brokers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the stockbroker. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My God!" screamed the stockbroker. "My Rolex!"

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $10 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totaling nearly 3 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly 8 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

While the U.S. stock market was at an all time high, the ups and downs frightened a lot of small investors. A guy went to his financial adviser at the bank and ask if he were worried.

He replied that he slept like a baby.

He was amazed and asked, "Really? Even with all the fluctuations?"

He said, "Yes. I sleep for a couple of hours, then wake up and cry for a couple of hours, then a get asleep again, wake up again for some more crying..."

Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.

One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton:

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares - get on it right away."

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!"

And last, but not least,

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Wal-Mart

There was an investor who had three girlfriends, but he didn't know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the investor, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and then decided.

QUESTION: Who did the investor marry?

ANSWER: The prettiest one.

A civil engineer, a chemist and a stockbroker are traveling in the countryside. Weary, they stop at a small country inn. "I only have two rooms, so one of you will have to sleep in the barn," the innkeeper says.

The civil engineer volunteers to sleep in the barn, goes outside, and the others go to bed. In a short time they're awakened by a knock. It's the engineer, who says, "There's a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred animal."

The chemist says, "That's OK, I'll sleep in the barn." The others go back to bed, but soon are awakened by another knock. It's the chemist who says, "There's a pig in that barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep next to an unclean animal."

So the stockbroker is sent to the barn. It's getting late, the others are very tired and soon fall asleep. But they're awakened by an even louder knocking. They open the door and are surprised by what they see:

It's the cow and the pig!

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: "Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch's curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I'll be returned to my former state!"

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag. The other woman, aghast, screamed, "Didn't you hear him? If you kiss him, he'll turn into a stockbroker!"

The second woman replied, "Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!"

One day a trader collapses. A concerned collegue checks on him and discovers he's not breathing. He cries out

"DOES ANY ONE KNOW CPR?!!"

A Trader at the other end hears this and yells out the reply

"No, but don't do anything! I think I have a BUY open on that"

Q: Why did God create stock analysts ?
A: In order to make weather forecasters look good.