Monday, June 30, 2008:

A lump under your rug is unsightly. Therefore, never sweep a pile of dirt under your rug; instead, spread it out a bit.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008:

An honest politician who makes it to Washington D.C is only there on vacation.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008:

Give money to a teenager and he'll be satisfied for a day. Give a job to a teenager and he'll never forgive you.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008:

When you're on a diet and the food tastes good, it means you're dreaming.

Thursday, July 10, 2008:

Boy, gas prices have changed the times. When I was a kid, a gas-powered lawn mower was worth it's weight in gold. Now a hand-powered mower is worth its weight in gasoline.

Friday, July 11, 2008:

Holding political office is a hard job. It's tough keeping a majority of your constituents in the dark.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008:

Satisfaction with the simple things in life is a sign of true happiness. And old age.

Thursday, July 17, 2008:

A dog makes a great replacement for a broken dishwasher.

Friday, July 18, 2008:

It would be a whole lot easier to make ends meet if my months didn't have so much middle in them.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008:

Just about the time things are starting to look good, you realize you've had your eyes closed.

Thursday, July 24, 2008:

What a mistake. I told my kids they should give me the respect I'm due. So they treated me worse.

Friday, July 25, 2008:

For those times when company shows up unexpectedly, your oven should be big enough to hide a full meal's worth of dirty dishes.

Monday, July 28, 2008:

The fact that men and women are different can only be missed if one has enough advanced degrees to hide the obvious.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008:

A compliment better left unsaid: Thanks for sharing your story. Before that, I was thinking I was the only oddball in the group.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008:

Recently a co-worker asked me how to spell "niece." I said, "N-E-I-C-E." Then, out of curiosity I looked in the dictionary to see what it showed. It's the first time the dictionary was wrong.

Thursday, July 31, 2008:

Much ado about nothing nicely describes most political speeches.

Friday, August 1, 2008:

If you fear you're losing your mind, at least take comfort in knowing that the fear goes with it.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008:

The frequency of furnace filter replacement should exceed that of furnace replacement.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008:

I'm actually not forgetful. It's just that my mind holds new information so well, the information never comes back out.

Thursday, August 7, 2008:

A true friend is closer than a brother -- and hopefully wealthier.

Friday, August 8, 2008:

A rainbow is God's reminder that you'll need to rewash your car..

Monday, August 11, 2008:

Qualifying for a mortgage is the first step in purchasing something you really can't afford.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008:

At my income level, if the best things in life are free, I should be the happiest man alive.

Thursday, August 14, 2008:

The best politicians tell lies in only two critical situations, when they're running for office and when they're in office.