Two stock brokers are walking in a forest. They suddenly get in front of a hungry wolf. Acting quickly, one of the stockbrokers takes his walking shoes off and puts his high-tech running shoes on. "What makes you think that you are going to out run this wolf by just using those shoes?" asks the other stockbroker. "I am not going to out run the wolf ... But certainly I am going to out run you!"

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

Why Are The Prices Rising ???
`Cause There Are More Buyers Than Sellers !!!

And Why Are The Prices Falling ???
`Cause There Are More Sellers Than Buyers !!!




Stay Cool
MS Leopard

Aspiring investor to investment counselor: "I'm drawing 10% interest on money in my savings account."

 

Investment Counselor: "Hmmm, that's interesting! The best I've seen is 5% on savings accounts."

 

Aspiring Investor: "I beat the system... I put half my cash in one bank at 5% and half in another bank at another 5%!"

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel! I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37." "And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked. "Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife"s father died and left us two million dollars."

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

 

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

 

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush. Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

 

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page. He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

A lawyer and his two stockbroker buddies took a month off to sail across the Atlantic. Midway across they hit a hurricane and the yacht sank, leaving barely enough time for all three to radio for help and scramble into a rubber life raft. The raft was riding very low in the water and being circled relentlessly by six or seven sharks when a Coast Guard launched a small rescue boat. A giant wave came along and swamped the survivor's raft. In an instant the sharks mauled the stockbrokers into little more than hamburger, but then broke apart to form a pathway and escort the survivor safely into the hands of the Coast Guard. "Damn!" gasped one of the astonished sailors. "That was a miracle!" "Nah," explained the lawyer modestly, wringing the seawater out of his shirt. "Just professional courtesy!"

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

A young stockbroker decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business. As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets.

 

He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tell me you are a stockbroker?"

 

The young man answered, "Yes, I did."

 

To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a stockbroker with his hands in his own pockets?"

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

Why are Stock Brokers like nuclear weapons?

 

If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Once launched, they cannot be recalled.

When they land, they screw up everything forever!

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

Warren Buffet, the Easter Bunny, Super Man and an ethical stockbroker find themselves each in a corner of a large trading floor. In the center of the trading floor is a $100 bill. If each individual starts racing towards the center of the floor at the same time, who gets the $100?

 

 

 

 

Answer: Buffet, of course -- the other three don't exist!

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests... I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter's hand in marriage to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!" As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large SPLASH!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could... the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed. The millionaire was impressed. He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain...which do you want, my daughters hand in marriage or the one million dollars?" The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money! And I don't want to marry your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in the water!!!"

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

The CIA had an opening for a new agent. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists - a mathematician, a doctor and a stockbroker.

 

For the final test, the CIA agents took the mathematician to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Behind this door you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her!"

 

The mathematician said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

 

The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."

 

The doctor was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the doctor came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

 

The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

 

Finally, it was the stockbroker's turn. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the stockbroker.

 

He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat her to death with the chair!"

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

A teacher, a painter and a stockbroker find themselves waiting outside the pearly gates. Eventually, St Peter emerges and informs them that in order to get to heaven, they'll each have to answer one question.

 

St Peter turns to the teacher. "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it."

 

The teacher answers quickly, "That would be Titanic." St Peter lets him through the gates.

 

He then turns to the painter and asks: "How many people died on the ship?" Unfortunately, the dustman has just seen the DVD. 1,228," he answers.

 

"That's right! You may enter." St Peter then turns to the stockbroker. "Name them."

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

A stockbroker was giving an example on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, he said: "If I stood on my head the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I should turn red in the face. Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

 

A man shouted, "It's because yer feet ain't empty."

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

An architect, a surgeon, and an economist were engaged in a discussion.

 

The surgeon said, "Look, we're the most important. God is a surgeon because the very first thing God did was extract Eve from Adam's rib."

 

The architect said, "No, wait a minute, God is an architect. God made the world in seven days out of chaos."

 

The economist smiled, saying "And who made the chaos?"

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others he is told by the doorman. Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!" "That’s wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!" "And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!" "That's wonderful!" says Albert. "We can discuss physics!" "And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!" "That's wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!" Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80." Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think the stock market is heading?"

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

One day a stockbroker was riding in his limousine when he saw a guy eating grass. He told the driver to stop. He got out and asked him, "Why are you eating grass?" The man replied, "I'm so poor, I can't afford a thing to eat." So the stockbroker said, "Poor guy, come back to my house." The guy then said, "But I have a wife and three kids." The stockbroker told him to bring them along. When they were all in the car, the poor man said, "Thanks for taking us back to your house, it is so kind of you." The stockbroker said, "You're going to love it there, the grass is a foot tall!"

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

Two little boys, Jack and Tom, were sitting in the park talking.

"What kind of work does your Daddy do?" Jack asked.

"My Daddy's a teacher," Tom replied. "What does your Daddy do?"

"He's a stockbroker," Jack said.

"Honest?" asked Tom.

"No, just the regular kind!" Jack replied, with a shrug.

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

A stockbroker proudly told his friend, "I'm responsible for making John a millionaire."

"Well what was he before?" the friend asked.

"A billionaire!"

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

A doctor told his patient that her test results indicated that she had a rare disease and had only six months to live. "That's such a short amount of time, doctor. Isn't there anything I can do?" pleaded the patient. "Marry a stockbroker," the doctor advised. "It will be the longest six months of your life!"

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

A man was strolling down a street. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over and over again. Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole. He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen, fourteen..."

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop. A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused to be paid, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop. A stockbroker came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "You serve the investing system." The next morning the barber found a dozen stock brokers waiting for a free haircut.

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

Market statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is important, what they conceal is vital!

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

If you're given a choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. As you get older, the money will become your sex appeal!

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!

The three best jobs in the world are:

1. Designated hitter for a major league baseball team.
2. Meteorologist for a television affiliate station.
3. Economist.

 

What other jobs can you fail 70% of the time and still be considered good at your job?

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Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!