Computer novices may feel like they're alone these days, but some of the following calls to IBM's help center show there are plenty of people out there who still are inching onto the information superhighway.

 

After a caller gave a technician her PC's serial number, he scanned a database of registered users and responded, "I see you have an Aptiva" desktop unit. Before he could say another word, the caller shrieked and said she'd be right back. When the customer returned, the technician asked if she was all right. The caller responded: "Had I realized you could see me, I never would have telephoned in my bathrobe."

 

A customer who had just received a laptop computer asked about the power-saving feature known as "hibernate." Would this hibernate device work in the spring and summer, the caller asked.

 

Another caller explained she had received a gift of software on 5.25-inch diskettes, but she had only a 3.5-inch disk drive on her computer. The technician said she had two options: Get a second disk drive, or use 3.5-inch diskettes. The customer called back later, now complaining that her disk drive was making a terrible noise. And this despite the fact that she was using a 3.5-inch diskette, she said. After a bunch of questions, the technician determined the caller had used a pair of scissors to trim the 5.25-inch diskettes to fit the 3.5-inch drive.

 

A caller, perplexed that his new desktop computer - the one that was supposed to do everything short of bringing on world peace - was doing nothing, cried out for help. No problem, the IBM technician said. First, open a "window" to launch a specific program. The conversation continued, and the caller asked a few moments later if it might be all right to close the window. Why, the IBM technician asked. Because, the caller responded, it was getting very chilly.

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Have a wonderful day~!

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink.

I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat.

About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business.

A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

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It's not easy being an economist. How would you like to go through life pretending you knew what M1 was all about?

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Berta's Fundamental Law of Economic Rents..

"The only thing more dangerous than an amateur economist is a professional economist."

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An economist is someone who doesn't know what he's talking about - and make you feel it's your fault.

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The definition of "waste": a busload of stock brokers plunging over a precipice with three of the seats unoccupied.

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"I'm a walking economy," a man was overheard to say.
"My hairline's in recession, my waist is a victim of inflation, and together they're putting me in a deep depression."

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Economics is like red whine - you shouldn't smell it but drink it, but if you drink too much on one occasion, there is a risk for dizziness.

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When Albert Einstein died, he met three New Zealanders in the queue outside the Pearly Gates. To pass the time, he asked what were their IQs.

The first replied 190.

"Wonderful," exclaimed Einstein. "We can discuss the contribution made by Ernest Rutherford to atomic physics and my theory of general relativity".

The second answered 150.

"Good," said Einstein. "I look forward to discussing the role of New Zealand's nuclear-free legislation in the quest for world peace".

The third New Zealander mumbled 50.

Einstein paused, and then asked, "So what is your forecast for the budget deficit next year?"

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Economics is the painful elaboration of the obvious

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When drawing up the guest list for a dinner party, inviting more than 25% economists ruins the conversation

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There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he'd got over it.

One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions.

The statistics student replied, "Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there.”

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The difference between an economist and a statistician: people believe what economists say about the future, but not what statisticians say about the past.

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Developing Trading Strategies
Sometimes it takes several years to recognize the obvious.
The simpler it looks, the more problems it hides.

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Selling Stocks
You never know how soon it is too late.
When things go wrong, don't go with them.
If you are in a hole, stop digging.

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Following Trading Strategies
Being punctual means only that your mistake will be made on time.
A good place to start from is where you are.
To learn from you mistakes, you must realize that you are making mistakes.
Experience is what causes you to make new mistakes instead of old ones.
The best defense against logic is ignorance.

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Have a wonderful day~!

Buying Stocks
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If anything can't go wrong, it will.
If you know something can go wrong, and take due precautions against it, something else will go wrong.
You will never run out of things that can go wrong.
Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
The less you do, the less can go wrong.
You can never tell which way the train will go by looking at the track.
Always assume that your assumption is invalid.

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Things go wrong all at once, but things go right gradually.

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"Customer Service" (of financial sites)
If you don't know the answer, someone will ask the question.
You don't have to explain something you never said.
If you want to make enemies, try to change something.
Be kind to everyone you talk with. You never know who's going to be on the jury.
Never be too right too often.
The only changes that are easily adopted are changes for the worse.
The less you have to do, the slower you do it.
Always do exactly what your boss would do if he knew what he was talking about.
The e-mail never comes when you have nothing to do.
The less you say, the less you have to retract.

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Have a wonderful day~!

A statistician is a person who draws a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion.

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You're solvent if you don't have to smooth down your hair and straighten your tie when you go into the bank for a loan.

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Question:

What does a hedge fund manager with no fund to manage say?

Answer:

Would you like fries with that sir?

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"I'm not saying that the customer service in my stock brokerage office is bad, but when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance ... She leaned over and pushed me."

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A crooked stock broker was in court for cheating thousands of people out of their hard earned money with an elaborate investment fraud scheme.

The District Attorney asked him how many people he had cheated, and the defendant, even with all the proof against him, replied, "None."

Surprised at the answer, the DA said, "Do you know what the penalty is for perjury sir?"

"I do as a matter of fact, and they are a lot less than the ones I'm currently facing," said the broker with a grin.

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A stockbroker was in the hospital, when the nurse took his temperature he asked "how much it is?"

"102, sir."

He replied "Sell it when it gets to 103."

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Have a wonderful day~!