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Random Funnies
Last post 11-20-2008, 12:08 by Heidi B. 185 replies.
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 10-10-2007, 12:20 |
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| 10-11-2007, 9:10 |
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| 10-12-2007, 10:03 |
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| 10-16-2007, 17:20 |
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| 10-18-2007, 9:17 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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A market guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza.
When the pizza is done, he goes up to the counter to get it.
There a clerk asks him:
"Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"
The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 10-19-2007, 10:33 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out is window and gave the woman the finger.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 10-24-2007, 10:06 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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A wealthy stock broker was lonely, and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to an exotic pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual talking pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar to have a beer or two. So he asked the pet, "Would you like to go to Sam's with me and have a beer?"
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Sam's place and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box: "I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!
Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 10-25-2007, 8:42 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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Murphy's Laws of Buying Stocks
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If anything can't go wrong, it will.
If you know something can go wrong, and take due precautions against it, something else will go wrong.
You will never run out of things that can go wrong.
Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.
The less you do, the less can go wrong.
You can never tell which way the train will go by looking at the track.
Always assume that your assumption is invalid.
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!
Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-02-2007, 9:42 |
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| 11-07-2007, 14:18 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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Bazar laws from around the world.
A little-known law which prohibits people dying while in the Houses of Parliament has been voted the UK's most ludicrous piece of legislation.
Another law which states it is treason to use a postage stamp upside down was placed in second place by those polled by UKTV Gold.
The most absurd international law was judged to be in the US state of Ohio, where it is illegal to get fish drunk.
The 3,931 people asked selected the laws from a shortlist of bizarre rules.
A total of 27% of those questioned thought the law against dying in the Houses of Parliament was the most absurd, while 7% voted for the legislation banning placing postage stamps upside down.
In third place, with 6%, came a law stating that only a clerk in a tropical fish store has permission to be topless in public in Liverpool.
Driving blindfolded
Other lesser-known laws making the top 10 included one banning eating mince pies on Christmas Day and another stating it is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour.
Almost half of those asked confessed to breaking the mince pie law, which was brought in by Oliver Cromwell in the 17th Century.
The unusual international laws on the list included legislation against naming a pig Napoleon in France, driving while wearing a blindfold in Alabama and unmarried women parachuting on a Sunday.
The Law Society last year revealed other bizarre UK laws still in existence on the statute book.
They included a ban on firing a cannon close to a dwelling house (Met Police Act 1839); a ban on the use of any slide upon ice or snow (Town Police Clauses Act 1847); and the prohibition of driving cattle through the streets of London (Metropolitan Streets Act 1867).
Dead whales
The UK's top 10 most ridiculous British laws were listed as:
- 1. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament (27%)
- 2. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British king or queen's image upside-down (7%)
- 3. It is illegal for a woman to be topless in Liverpool except as a clerk in a tropical fish store (6%)
- 4. Eating mince pies on Christmas Day is banned (5%)
- 5. If someone knocks on your door in Scotland and requires the use of your toilet, you are required to let them enter (4%)
- 6. In the UK a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants, including in a policeman's helmet (4%)
- 7. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast automatically becomes the property of the King, and the tail of the Queen (3.5%)
- 8. It is illegal not to tell the tax man anything you do not want him to know, but legal not to tell him information you do not mind him knowing (3%)
- 9. It is illegal to enter the Houses of Parliament wearing a suit of armour (3%)
- 10. It is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls of York, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow (2%)
False teeth
Other bizarre foreign laws voted by those polled included:
- In Ohio, it is illegal to get a fish drunk (9%)
- In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation (8%)
- A male doctor in Bahrain can only examine a woman in the reflection of a mirror (7%)
- In Switzerland, a man may not relieve himself standing up after 10pm (6%)
- It is illegal to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle in Alabama (6%)
- In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on a Sunday could be jailed (6%)
- Women in Vermont must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth (6%)
- In Milan, it is a legal requirement to smile at all times, except during funerals or hospital visits (5%)
- In France, it is illegal to name a pig Napoleon (4%)
all information is from bbc.co.uk
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-09-2007, 9:30 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand.
This virus is called Weary-Overload- Recreation- Killer (WORK).
If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT.
This virus will wipe out your private life completely!!
If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store.
Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating- Neutralizer- Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer -Elimination- Rebooter (BEER).
Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.
You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-12-2007, 8:06 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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Stockbroker's Job Application
A stockbroker was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered no to the question. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the stockbroker answered it "Never got caught."
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!
Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-13-2007, 8:54 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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Q: What's the difference between a pigeon and a stockbroker?
A: The pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-15-2007, 9:16 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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The Walton's invited their new neighbors over to dinner. During dinner Mr.Walton was asked what he did for a living.
Eight years old Brian Walton jumped in and said, "Daddy is a fisherman!"
To which Mrs.Walton replied, "Brian, why do say that. Your daddy is a stockbroker, not a fisherman."
"No mom. Everytime we visit dad at work and he hangs up the phone he laughs, rubs his hands together and says 'I just caught another fish'."
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-16-2007, 10:08 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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Why is a BMW a stockbroker's favorite car?
Because he can't spell Porsche.
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-20-2007, 9:43 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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Bull Market is a random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
Bear Market is a 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no allowance, the wife gets no jewelry and the husband gets no sex.
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-26-2007, 11:58 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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Top Ten Signs You've Eaten
Top Ten Signs You've Eaten
Too Much at Thanksgiving Dinner...
10. Hundreds of volunteers have started to stack sandbags around you.
9. Doctor tells you your weight would be perfect for a man 17 feet tall.
8. You are responsible for a slight but measurable shift in the earth's axis.
7. Right this minute you're laughing up pie on the carpet.
6. You decide to take a little nap and wake up in mid-July.
5. World's fattest man sends you a telegram, warning you to "back off!"
4. CBS tells you to lose weight or else.
3. Getting off your couch requires help from the fire department.
2. Every escalator you step on immediately grinds to a halt.
1. You're sweatin' gravy
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-27-2007, 9:10 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.
"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-27-2007, 9:11 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year- old blonde who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask. "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age," Bob replies "What, did you tell her you were only 50?" Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-28-2007, 9:37 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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If dogs were the teachers, you would learn stuff like:
When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
Let fresh air and the wind in your face be pure ecstasy.
When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
Take naps.
Stretch before rising.
Run, romp, and play daily.
Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and never hold a grudge! Run right back and make friends.
Delight in the joy of a long walk.
Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you're not.
If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day!
Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 11-30-2007, 8:35 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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A man walking in the countryside meets a shepherd and a big flock of sheep.
The man tells the shepherd: "I will bet you 1000 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."
The shepherd thinks it over; it's a big flock so he takes the bet.
"855," says the man.
The shepherd is amazed, because this is the exact number. Says "OK, I'm a man of my word, take a sheep."
Man picks one up and starts walking away.
"Wait," shouts the shepherd, "Let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation!"
Man says "OK."
"You are an economist working for the government," says the shepherd.
"Amazing!" responds the man, "You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you conclude to that?"
"Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you!"
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 12-03-2007, 13:27 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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More Definitions from the Stock Market
A Financial Planner is a guy who says to client: I've reviewed your financial picture, and if we manage your money properly, there should be plenty for both of us.
An Institutional Investor is past year's investor who's now locked up in a nut house.
A Stock Split is when your ex-wife and her lawyer split all your assets equally between themselves.
Value Investing: The art of buying low and selling lower.
Bull Market: A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius.
STOCK: A magical piece of paper that is worth 39.95 until the moment you buy it. It will then be worth 5.50!
BOND: What you had with your spouse until you pawned his/her golf clubs to invest in stocks.
BROKER: The person you trust to help you make major financial decisions. Please note the first five letters of this word spell "Broke."
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 12-06-2007, 10:14 |
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Liadan
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Joined on 06-12-2007
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Posts 466
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Feudalism: You have two cows. Your Lord takes some of the milk.
Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
Communism: You have two cows. Your neighbors help take care of them and you share the milk.
Militarism: You have two cows. The State takes both and drafts you.
Mafia: You have two cows. You give one to the Godfather on the day of his daughter's wedding. In return, he doesn't have your legs broken.
Totalitarianism: You have two cows. The government takes them both and denies they ever existed and drafts you into the army. Milk is banned.
Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
Enron Venture Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority share-holder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
Heidi ~ Have a Wonderful Day! Now Posting Under Heidi B
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| 12-07-2007, 11:04 |
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