Tuesday, May 13, 2008:

Calming kids down by giving them candy is like putting out a fire with gasoline.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008:

Thursday, May 15, 2008:

Friends don't let friends display a "friends don't let friends" motto.

Monday, May 19, 2008:

The best way to deal with failure is to avoid it.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008:

I've always been puzzled by the idea of a "lifetime guarantee." Does a lifetime guarantee mean something is guaranteed to keep working until it stops working?

Thursday, May 22, 2008:

In a thunderstorm, you know you're barking up the wrong tree if you hear the thunder just as the tree splits apart.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008:

People who lend money to relatives will quickly meet relatives they never knew they had.

Thursday, May 29, 2008:

Learning new things after age 40 isn't so hard. It just takes another 40 years.

Friday, May 30, 2008:

Why do the silver linings behind my clouds always turn out to be aluminum foil?

Monday, June 2, 2008:

When your due date for an assignment arrives, why is your boss thinking "first thing in the morning" while you're thinking "last thing in the afternoon?"

Wednesday, June 4, 2008:

The United States is the only country where some of our criminals are sentenced to time in public office.

Thursday, June 5, 2008:

Words you don't want to hear your auto mechanic say: We get your model of car in here a lot.

Friday, June 6, 2008:

I've never understood what conventional wisdom is. What difference does it make whether or not you're at a convention?

Monday, June 9, 2008:

Internet chat rooms give us a way to develop deep relationships with people we're not even sure exist.

Thursday, June 12, 2008:

Not all politicians are liers. After all, we can't really be sure about those who lose their elections.

Friday, June 13, 2008:

The best things in life are free. Unfortunately, so are the worst.

Monday, June 16, 2008:

Dirt magically changes to whatever color will best show up on your carpet.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008:

A house full of quiet kids: the calm before the storm.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008:

Never climb onto a roof just to see if you can bounce.

Thursday, June 19, 2008:

Voting liars, cheaters, and scam artists into public office is a popular American pastime.

Friday, June 20, 2008:

Most people seem to enjoy an abundance of either common sense or academic achievement. Being specially gifted, I possess neither.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008:

Although I know that being rich can't make me happy, I'd sure be willing to try.