General Chat

Dinosaur

Heidi B — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 19:52:09 GMT

The stockbroker was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, "That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old."

"How did you get such exact information?" "I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old."

Re: Random Funnies

Heidi B — Fri, 15 May 2009 15:55:37 GMT

An economist is someone who tells you what to do with your money after you have already spent it.

Re: Random Funnies

Heidi B — Thu, 14 May 2009 16:37:14 GMT

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job.

Deffination: P/E Ratio

Heidi B — Tue, 05 May 2009 17:02:27 GMT

P/E Ratio:

The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

Re: Random Funnies

Heidi B — Mon, 04 May 2009 20:38:54 GMT

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!" "You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

Japanese Banks

Heidi B — Fri, 01 May 2009 19:27:59 GMT

Origami Bank folded last night.
Apparently Sumo Fund Managers went belly up.
Bonsai Bank, after a period of stunted growth, now plans to cut back some of its branches.
Kamikaze Bank took a dive.
1,500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop.
Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Onsen Bank has taken a bath.
Miso Bank is in the soup.
The share value of Samurai Bank has been slashed.
On the plus side, now is a good time to buy Karaoke Bank, its shares can be had for a song.

Re: Random Funnies

Heidi B — Fri, 01 May 2009 18:30:17 GMT

A stock market analyst is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower:

He doesn't win many contests for accuracy, but he keeps the crowd's attention.

Stranded

Heidi B — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 18:59:06 GMT

A chemist, an engineer and an economist are stranded on a deserted island. They carry with them some canned food but have no ordinary means of opening the cans.

The chemist suggests gathering some wood and starting a fire and then holding the cans over the heat, counting on the expanding contents to burst open the cans.

The engineer thinks it would be better to try smashing the cans open with some of the rocks lying around.

The economist begins, "Assume we had a can opener ..."

Exchange

Heidi B — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 16:05:05 GMT

The trading floor of an exchange is an environment wherein a higher concentration of people are subjected to more incomplete information bits flying around than anywhere else.

Mortgage

Heidi B — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 20:20:41 GMT

There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb:

We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It's called a mortgage.

Counting?

Heidi B — Tue, 14 Apr 2009 19:25:01 GMT

If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?

Re: Random Funnies

Heidi B — Mon, 13 Apr 2009 18:29:09 GMT

QUESTION: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a stock market analyst?

ANSWER: All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.

More Golfing fun

Heidi B — Thu, 09 Apr 2009 21:20:56 GMT

Three guys decide to play a round of golf:

A priest, a psychologist, and a stockbroker. They get behind a VERY slow two-some, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on.

By the 8th hole, the three guys are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak, and so on.

The priest says, "Holy Mary, I pray that they should take some lessons before they play again." The psychologist says, "I swear there are people that like to play golf slowly." The stockbroker says, "I really didn’t expect to spend this much time playing a round of golf."

By the 9th hole, they have had it with slow play, so the psychologist goes to the caddy and demands that they be allowed to play through. The caddy says O.K., but then explains that the two golfers are blind, that both are retired firemen who lost their eyesight saving people in a fire, and that explains their slow play, and would they please not swear and complain so loud.

The priest is mortified; he says, "Here I am a man of the cloth and I've been swearing at the slow play of two blind men." The psychologist is also mortified; he says, "Here I am a man trained to help others with their problems and I've been complaining about the slow play of two blind men."

The stockbroker ponders the situation -- finally he goes back to the caddy and says, "Listen, the next time could they play at night."

Emergency Landing

Heidi B — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 16:17:21 GMT

An airplane was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. Few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one stockbroker who is still going around passing out his business cards."

Re: Random Funnies

Heidi B — Mon, 06 Apr 2009 20:31:20 GMT

Be careful of those calendars banks give you to help you keep track of your payments. I saw one with 16 months on it.