The stockbroker was visiting the Museum of Natural History and said to the person standing next to him, ''That dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old.'' ''How did you get such exact information?'' ''I was here ten months ago and the guide said the dinosaur was two billion years old.''

An economist is someone who tells you what to do with your money after you have already spent it.

Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job.

P/E Ratio: The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D. C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River. ''That's impossible,'' said the tourist. ''No one could throw a coin that far!'' ''You have to remember,'' answered the guide. ''A dollar went a lot farther in those days.''

Origami Bank folded last night. Apparently Sumo Fund Managers went belly up.Bonsai Bank, after a period of stunted growth, now plans to cut back some of its branches.Kamikaze Bank took a dive.1,500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal. ...

A stock market analyst is like a cross-eyed javelin thrower:He doesn't win many contests for accuracy, but he keeps the crowd's attention.

A chemist, an engineer and an economist are stranded on a deserted island. They carry with them some canned food but have no ordinary means of opening the cans. The chemist suggests gathering some wood and starting a fire and then holding the cans over the heat, counting on the expanding contents to burst open the cans. The engineer thinks it

The trading floor of an exchange is an environment wherein a higher concentration of people are subjected to more incomplete information bits flying around than anywhere else.

There is no longer a need for the neutron bomb: We already have something that destroys people and leaves buildings intact. It's called a mortgage.

If bankers can count, how come they always have ten windows and two tellers?

QUESTION: What do you get when you cross a librarian with a stock market analyst? ANSWER: All the information you need, but you can't understand a word of it.

Three guys decide to play a round of golf: A priest, a psychologist, and a stockbroker. They get behind a VERY slow two-some, who, despite a caddy, are taking all day to line up their shots and four-putting every green, and so on. By the 8th hole, the three guys are complaining loudly about the slow play ahead and swearing a blue streak, and so

An airplane was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. Few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. ''All set back here, Captain,'' came the reply, ''except one stockbroker who is still ...

Be careful of those calendars banks give you to help you keep track of your payments. I saw one with 16 months on it.

It is not how much you make that counts but how much money you keep.

Markets are the places where two types of people meet up in the morning: Those with experience and those with money. Towards the end of the day, they exchange their assets and go home.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young MBA applying for a stockbroker's position, ''And what starting salary were you looking for?'' The candidate said, ''In the neighborhood of $225,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.'' The HR Person said, ''Well, what would you say to a package of 6-weeks ...

A robber shoved a note under a bank teller's window which said, ''I've got you covered. Hand over all the money in the cage and don't say a word.'' The teller opened the cash drawer and wrote something down. Then he closed the drawer and returned the note to the robber. On the back he had written, ''Kindly go to the next window; I'm on my ...